The Groundhog Stimulus Package

It's that time of year again. Fortunately for us it is only one day of the 365 in this new year that is certain to bring disappointment. You and I may hope this year might possibly produce a different result than the several in recent history. However, that hope may not be enough to turn the tides, shift the earth's axis, or position the sun to ensure Punxsutawney Phil doesn't see his shadow.

Prepare yourself, keep your snow shovels ready, your hats and gloves available, don't think about packing the ice scraper away, you still have time to install the remote start in the wife's car, and please don't forget that like you your car needs to be hydrated so top it off with "juice"(aka. washer fluid to those of us older than 3). I believe we're in for another 6 weeks of winter!

The earlier mention of hope has got me thinking. This has been a popular theme these last several months. You can not pick up a paper or turn on a tv without hearing this word mentioned and often associated with our new President. So in the spirit of Groundhog Day and with the intention to offer our new president some advice I'm sure he has not received from his esteemed staff of advisers, I would like to offer my sure fire plan for stimulating the US economy. President Obama, you may want to read on, this involves you.

After all the news programs I've watched, articles I've read, and pop songs I've listened to, I'm under the impression that, President Obama, you may have the ability to walk on water. If this is true and your abilities know no natural boundaries you yourself may be the shot in the arm of the sagging economy. This is my plan.

First you will have to step in tomorrow at the annual unveiling of our famous furry weather man and do exactly what I've suggested earlier. You must shift the earth on it's axis and stop the sun in order to provide all of our weary Americans with the first sign of great things to come. If done right this will guarantee a quick spring and if at all possible you may just want to continue in the miraculous and launch spring effective immediately. "Why will this work?", you may ask. Let me explain.

In switching off winter and turning on spring you will fill the working class pockets of America with hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars otherwise budgeted to keep themselves from freezing. These dollars can than be put into buying all the left over inventory at CircuitCity and rescue the "big 3" from the endangered species list. Our municipalities would find money, once thought spent, after the plows and salt trucks had been tucked away for the season. Your buddy Deval (Governor of Massachusetts) would be eternally grateful for you thinking of him and his commonwealth. The quick thaw would possibly open the flood gates of the lenders, releasing previously locked down credit. Or, at the very least, the thaw would create enough mud and muck to supply the shoe shines, dry cleaners, and car washes with a rush on services. The bottom line is that warmer weather would make people happy, and happy people spend money. Send the message, loud and clear, come on America, stop being so darn thrifty!

I trust this bit of advice comes at a very important time in our country's history. It is up to you, our president, to lead us on to greater horizons. Lead us on to the American dream. I will be your voice in the desert crying, "prepare ye the way of the President". After all I know that there are those out there that still have less than $10,000 in credit card debt and longing for the day they can't afford to pay a $300 car payment. The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.

For all those that have read this to the end, I thank you for bearing with me. This started as a ode to the great groundhog holiday and my mind began to wonder. I've read several blogs, editorials, and stories in the last few weeks in similar tone to this and I felt as if I too wanted to be part of the movement. Thank you for allowing me a few minutes to be sarcastic and have a little fun. In all honesty my prayer is that something happens to give people hope again. The truth is that no president will ever be able to do this. Never will there be a president that will be able to give people true hope. Our hope is not in kings, presidents, or their policies.

Do I love my wife enough to suffer through watching figure skating?

I just settled myself into my favorite spot on the couch, remote in hand, prepared to be swept away into worlds of reality, sport, drama, and comedy tv. The channels begin to fly by at a furious pace. I'm not interested in that game. Watched the premier of LOST already. I saw that guy stuff his face full of burger last week. I'll never be able to afford a trip there, so why watch it now. Is My Cousin Vinnie on again? I'm drawn into Univision by all the pretty colors, crowd excitement, and lovely prizes, but I can't understand a word they're saying. I never thought about using that as a coffee table, thanks HGTV. Bring it Bobby Flay, I'm ready for a throwdown. Glenn Beck moved to FOX News, always wondered how he had a show on CNN. Somebody should let Discovery know that after airing it for the fiftieth time the suspense about whether he makes it out of the desert or not is gone.

Suddenly I hear, "what's that?". "Go back, it's figure skating."

Hah, she's wrong. I know it's the winter X games, but I'll go back anyway so that she'll believe me.
"See", I say.

"I didn't want you to skip over it", she says.

"I wouldn't do that."

Wow, that was close! That would have been awful. Hours of poorly chosen music, mediocre performance, and ear ringing commentary. How does anyone manage to sit through an entire broadcast of that anyways? I resume my surfing.

I fly by a couple more channels. Where does that guy get off telling him that Zubaz pants are not office attire? Man, Miss Massachusetts just got robbed. What's on NBC? You're kidding? Just my luck. Maybe she didn't notice. Quick find something else.

"What are you doing?"

"Go back."

I turn the channel, reluctantly. Now I'm in for it. I won't be able to avoid watching this tonight.

"It's the U.S. Championships", she says.

As if that matters. It could be the final skate to end world hunger and it wouldn't matter to me. Boring is boring. Nothing can redeem this lame example of sport.

Quickly I begin to think of other things I can do to occupy my time. I could read, haven't done that for years. I could go pray, but I did that this morning. I could go to bed, but I can't settle myself down after my throwdown with Bobby Flay. I could watch this with her. I really do not want to watch this!

I control the remote, it's up to me what we watch. I could be a real jerk and go back to the edge of your seat episode of Man vs. Wild to see if he makes it out of the desert. I think long and hard and decide the only thing to do is to hand the remote over and make a run for it.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going on Facebook."

"I watch hours of football, baseball, and other stuff and stay right here so that I can spend time with you." "You won't even spend one night watching this with me?"

So basically she is telling me I don't love her unless I sit and force myself to watch this crap. I don't know what I'm going to do. Think, think, think, think, think, think.................

I've got it, I'll go blog! That will give me something to do and get something done that I've wanted to get done for a week now.

Now that I'm done writing I have nothing else to do but go watch figure skating. For some of you the answer is, yes I love her that much. For those others of you, your just jealous.

I live with the world's foremost Princess expert

When does the fascination with all things princess start in a woman's life? The answer is two. I have a resident expert on all things Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, and Majis (Jasmine to the rest of us). If there is a question of what one of these royal personalities might have for snack it is easily answered by soliciting the opinion of one Anna Kifer, aka. Cinderella. If there is debate about what color dress should be worn to the Prince's ball. That is easily resolved by her highness. These two examples are just the beginning of the knowledge I have gained on Disney royalty. There likes, dislikes, wardrobe etc..

In an act of goodwill I would like to take just a minute to share a little of what I've learned to all you other kings and queens of kingdoms near and far.

1. The two year old never morphs into any of the aforementioned royal beauties before the proper footwear has been put on. You are not to address her by any name, other than that which she was given upon birth, until both shoes are on fully. Also, and this is key, these shoes are never to be worn with socks. If the shoes don't give her blisters they are not meant for a princess.

2. Princesses don't dance unless they are in full dress. This requires a gown of the most exquisite fabrics and adorned with yards of frill and lace. Accessories, such as, a necklace, earrings, or a crown are optional. Unless the dress before you looks like it "twirls" no king, queen, or prince should dare approach the princess for a dance. Use the example to the left as a guide to a "twirly dress". One may be able to find such a beautiful dress deep in the royal closet of the Queen, after all she was a princess once too.

3. You may be under the impression that these galas a princess enjoys attending are meant for evening hours long after you've finished your banquet with the rest of the royal family. Not so, most princesses enjoy the all day rager that has her dancing from sun up to sun up. Trips to the kingdom playground are almost a good diversion.

4. Don't assume the desires, opinions, and attitude of the princess are the same as the two year old she morphed out of. Save yourself from hearing the lecture on why Cinderella doesn't bathe, eat, clean up her room, or obey in general. With the new identity comes a sense entitlement. It is her right to dress, speak, dance, eat, sing, run, and jump LOUDLY. Sometimes addressing her as the princess she is, ie Cinderella, or "your majesty" can help remind her that you are still king. This is not exactly a position of strength for the ruler of the world she knows.

5. The princess is a fickle personality. The goldfish that she had for snack yesterday may not be suitable for even the humblest of subjects in the kingdom today. The waltz that the king and princess danced yesterday can be exactly that, so yesterday.

Consider this a brief introduction into the complexity of the life and times of all animated royalty everywhere. My resident expert has found her way to bed for the evening and I am left to ponder the princess world alone. Without her insight I am lost.

It's now January and for months I have been struggling to find a topic to blog about with some substance. It was way back in October that I wanted to start this adventure but like most things in my life I kept saying I'll do it later. I am a procrastinator.

The new year seems like the best excuse to bore you with my ramblings and lack of coherence. Call it a resolution, if you must.

Still nothing has presented itself that I consider to be worth wasting anyone's time with and I have no better focus on what exactly these ribbings should be about. I'm open to suggestions.

I am overwhelmed with the requirement, or suggestion, to tag this blog with certain keywords that would help present to the potential reader what they may find. Things like life, work, play, or religion are broad in there scope but how many of those are there? We could spend all day searching for, and finding, results to those searches.

What's going to get my work noticed? Maybe getting attention is not what I want at all? It may open me up for criticism and scrutiny I'm either not able or willing to accept. Who am I kidding? I am human, with a sin nature, and I want the approval of others. I want to hear how clever, intelligent, wise, funny, and mature I am. Please don't hesitate to let me know how much you love me and what I have to say.

Regardless of this uncertainty I press on. Into this blog, to be my life put into bytes, gigabytes, and megabytes. A series of 1's and 0's that translated by some electronic machine are my thoughts, opinions, insights, and words.

Be patient with me, as this is just the beginning. I will get better at this. I will learn the in's and out's of the blogosphere. Until then I invite you to share a few minutes, periodically, to take a glimpse into my world.